Tag: Forgiveness

Sweat and Yoga

Dr Saira

Truth Byte #63

“Flexible is the new strong.”

 

I started up my yoga classes again. It has been a few months since I rolled out my mat, because I was starting to feel like an hour of yoga every week was a bit indulgent. After all, I could be spending that time folding the pile of laundry that chronically sits in my guest bedroom, or vacuuming out the backseat of the car (damn kids and their food crumbs) or catching up on emails (over 4000 in my Inbox that need to be filed or deleted) or de-cluttering my garage. So I skipped yoga for months, thinking I would spend the time doing all these other annoying tasks, which, by the way, I never did. I simply took a longer shower and chatted on the phone with my sister instead.

 

But I digress. Back to yoga. Read More

Healing the Broken Heart

Dr Saira 1 Comment

Truth Byte #38

It’s time to heal your heartbreak.

 

Most of us have experienced heartbreak.  And not in the traditional sense. 

 

Sure, many of us have lost a romantic partner to another, had someone leave us prematurely, or fell in love in that classic, unrequited way.

 

But I am not talking about those heartbreaks.

 

I am talking today about something much deeper.

 

The reasons that those heartbreaks felt so devastating at the time was because we were nursing a hundred thousand other heartbreaks before those romantic ones happened.

 

Let me explain.  Your first heartbreaks happened before you turned 10 years old.

 

You probably don’t remember it happening to you, so let me tell give you some scenarios:

 

  1. You were the first and adored child in the family. Then another baby was born.  She/he was cuter, smaller, and drank in every adult’s attention. Heartbreak.
  2. Your heard your parents arguing about money one night as you were trying to fall asleep. You remembered them buying you new shoes for preschool earlier that week. You feel like maybe if you didn’t ask for those shoes they wouldn’t always be arguing. Heartbreak.
  3. Your best friend moved away in grade four. Heartbreak.
  4. Some adult you cared about made fun of the goofy way you danced. You were a kid, and danced liked no one was watching (because you didn’t’ think they were!). Heartbreak.
  5. Your dad left your mom and you were shuffled from house to house. Heartbreak.
  6. Your dog died. Heartbreak.
  7. Your fish died and no one told you. You just came home one day and there was a new fish in the bowl and you could tell it wasn’t yours, but no one would admit it. Heartbreak.
  8. You found out the truth about the whole Santa Clause conspiracy.  Heartbreak.

 

And the list could go on and on.  These are childhood moments that happen to most us us.  And many of us can just shake them off.  But for those of us who are a little bit “more” as kids, those of us who would get lost in the beauty of a leaf as it turns orange, or those who actually felt like we could communicate with animals, or those who unabashedly opened our hearts to the world, these simple events can create the beginnings of what I call “heartache”.

 

Heartache is different than heartbreak.

 

In heartbreak, you have a good long cry, either out loud or in your own mind, and you vow to never “do that thing again.” Heartache is where we walk around with a giant wall around our hearts so we don’t ever get hurt again.  Heartbreak comes from an external event, and there is little we can do except brave through it.  Heartache is an orientation, a way we approach love and connection, and the world itself. 

 

Too many people who run this sweet planet are mired in heartache.

 

And those who could actually turn things around are too busy talking about and nursing their heartbreaks to do a damn thing about it.

 

Today, I appeal to you, my brothers and sisters who are recovering from heartbreak, to just let it go.  That heartbreak started when you were small, and has continued time and again throughout your life.  And if the point of this human life is to experience joy and connection, then you can simply choose to believe that these painful situations helped to orient you away from pain and towards what you really do want.

 

You are making the mistake by concentrating on the pain. What if, instead, you looked at this heartbreak (whether past or present) as an opportunity to forgive?

 

In the heartbreaks that happened in childhood, we interpreted them as heartbreaks because we couldn’t see the full story.  Your friend didn’t move away to hurt you, and your parents would have bought you those shoes anyway.  It wasn’t your fault.  In the grown-up heartbreaks, because there is so much heartache that has built up over the years, we are often not willing to see the big picture until years, even decades later.

 

I finally forgave my first boyfriend for breaking up with me LAST WEEK!! That’s like, 20 years of holding on.  Incredible. Unnecessary.

 

So learn from me and save yourself some time.  Let go of those heartbreak stories today.  And you don’t have to follow some formula of how long it’s been until you can forgive.  You can begin to forgive him/her/them right now.

 

Happiness and a healed heart are waiting on the other side.

 

It’s your life, and only you can live it.  More at www.talktosaira.com (and connect with me if you want to learn a fast-track method to heal your own heartbreak!)

 

 

 

 

The Past is Holding You Prisoner

Dr Saira 1 Comment

Truth Byte #20: “It’s time to let it go.”

You have been holding on to something.  Something that still brings you pain or sadness after all these years.  And I am not talking about the ultimate loss of someone you loved dying, because really, there is not much you can do about that, and we know that even time won’t fully repair that fracture.  What I am talking about is your grudges and heartbreaks from the past.

I am surrounded by really loving, caring, nurturing people who are still holding grudges and nursing heartbreaks.  And that holding on for way too long is literally destroying them from the inside out.  Their bodies are bent and twisted and just don’t seem to want to heal.  It’s like the poison from their pasts demonstrates it’s potency every single day through their physical pain.

Many of these loved ones of mine are older, around retirement age.  So they have a lifetime of things to be mad about.  In a way, I can see where they are coming from.  It’s justified.  Some pretty shitty things actually did happen.  The irony is that many of the people who did those shitty things have been buried decades ago.  Yet these men and women still tell the old stories as crystal clearly as if they happened last week.

This week, I reach out to my elders.  I am tired of seeing you twisted in physical and emotional and spiritual knots over things that happened decades ago.

It’s time to let it go.

I also reach out to my peers in parenting.  I see how you raise your children with stories of your own childhood.  You might not notice, but your lives are peppered with passive-aggressive rage about how you don’t feel like you actually chose this particular hamster wheel, and you aren’t sure how to get off.

And you don’t even know you are doing it.

But your kids know. 

They know when you snap for no reason after a long gruelling day at work.  They know when you would rather look at a screen then answer their questions.  They know when you brush them off and brush them aside and don’t make space for their delight in your pessimism.  And soon, they too, will switch off and plug in to numbness, and start gathering stories of their own.

Take heed, parents, because it’s never too late to give your kids attention and care.  It’s never too late to let go and get back to what really matters.  Today could be the day.

And all my single ladies, I will end with you.  Whether you are single and loving it or single and hating it, please commit to not getting stuck in the heartbreaks.  Because that just makes you really hard to love.  When you get so independent that you can’t receive love or help, you get caught in that vicious circle of loneliness.  I know because I have been there.  No one thinks you are lonely so no one reaches out.  Or people are so drained by your complaining that they avoid you.  If you can commit to being in the moment and giving love and friendship a real chance, no matter how many screw ups you have had in the past, you might be ready for the miracle of long lasting (romantic?) companionship, if indeed, that’s what you want.

Or you could keep being mad and hurt.  The choice is yours.  Do you want to break free from the prison of heartbreak and love your life?  I know you do.  You just have to let go of your grudges.

Don’t you think it’s time?

If you want to learn how to give up your grudges and heartbreaks once and for all, pencil in our upcoming one-day experiential workshop on Guilt and Regret in Calgary, Alberta.